Thursday, June 18, 2009

T Minus 0 or "Please Don't Go Keke!"

Notes on June 18, 2009

So a few weeks ago I had the following conversation with my brother about my upcoming trip.

Bro: "So when do you leave for Mexico?"
Me: "Uh...Brazil..."
Bro: "Whatever, it's all the same."
Me: (thinking) Uhh, totally different continents, totally different hemispheres, but whatever.
Me: "June 18th."
Bro: "Mom's worried you'll get swine flu."
Me: "Uh...that's in Mexico."
Bro: "Same thing."
Me" (thinking) Uhh, I'm closer to Mexico here in Atlanta than I will be in Brazil, but whatever.
Me: "Uhhh...well, I leave for Mexico June 18th."

Of course, this whole conversation took place with the full knowledge that my brother knows exactly where Brazil is and where it isn't. But he's a Republican and all Republicans think that anything south of the Rio Grand is Mexico and all people living south of the Rio Grande are Mexicans (including Puerto Ricans). Democrats just wish Texas was still part of Mexico. I wonder how Rodrigo and my Ecuadoran friend like it when white people inform them they are actually Mexican.

When it looked like I wasn't going to be going to Brazil (courtesy of the tourist visa SNAFU), my brother did his best to console me:

Bro: Come on, cheer up. Brazil's not that great anyway. They don't even have tacos.
Me: (crickets chirping...)
Bro: Listen, we'll take you to a Mexican restaurant and get you a sombrero. It'll be just as good.
Me: Only if I can get a frozen margharita too. With an umbrella.

And when the trip was back on (courtesy of me changing my flight like Mr. Consulate Bunghole suggested), he tried to bribe me to give it up altogheter and go to the Nati for a month instead.

Bro: (via e-mail) Seriously. Scrap this Rio de Brazilianero crap and just come up to the QC. It will be just as hot up here, I can set you up with a far more comfortable vacation, after all, I've got 212 cable channels, of which like 30 are Mexican. You can plant yourself on the couch for a 468 hour marathon of Univision if you like, -better than being there! I'll even cook you my signature mexican dish -Nachos de Fuentes or even Chipotle Muchos Burritos if you like. DONE!
Me: tempting...but...no.

Yes, tempting as faux Mexico in Cincinnati sounds, even with the added incentives of chillin' with the nieces and the culturally insensitive bro ;) I am goin to stick with plan A (or plan A3c rather), and go to Brazil. My brain has been camping out at the airport waiting for the rest of me to get there for the last four weeks.

My mom is particulary solicitious for my comfort and health while away. Now I must provide a disclaimer here: I love my mama (no doubt she's reading this so I have to get that in), but in the past four weeks I have had the following admonishments from her:

Mom: Do you want me to send you a surgical mask in the mail?
Me: For what? to wear?
Mom: (As though this were obvious) Yeah, they have swine flu down there too. It's everywhere.
Me: (thinking) uhhh...including right here in Atlanta maybe?
Me: Mom, I'm not going to wear a surgical mask in Brazil for pete's sake! You wouldn't!
Mom: Oh yes I would!!!

Mom: (via e-mail) Do you have a whistle for Brazil?
Me: (thinking) Uhhhhh. I'm supposed to carry a whistle around my neck, like I'm a football coach on a tour of South America? Or because me just screaming my lungs out if I get in trouble doesn't work down there? In Switzerland they yodle for help, but in Brazil you have to use a whistle?

Mom: Have you seen the movie "Taken"? (It's about a girl who gets kidnapped while traveling).
Me: (crickets chirping...)

She even cajoled my aunt into calling me two days ago to remind me to get all my vaccinations (which only work if you get them four weeks before you go, and I didn't), and the yellow fever and typhoid and malaria and all that are for the Amazon, which I am not going to get to this time. I guess I'm going to get swine flu after all.

Mom: Be careful when you get into taxis.
Me: Mom, am I putting grey hairs on your head or something???
Mom: Yeah.

But really, I have to say, despite the incessant fussing, I am lucky that my family apparently wants me around, and alive, and in general good health. But my idea of pre-travel illness prevention is grab some Purell (which I forgot) and to pop an Airborne. So I guess I'll try not to get myself jacked up while I am in this clearly 7th world country that is Mexico, oops I mean Brazil, where they aren't even civilized enough to have doctors or bandaids or tacos.

5 comments:

tchiodi said...

I am so excited to be reading about your new advetures...I am laughing my ass off already!!!!

Marcelo said...

yes honey you are right...i HATE being told i am mexican...yes i am from south of the Rio Grande (way further south...different continent even) my people don't eat tacos, wear sombrerros, or stick thier last names in gothic letters on the back of thier '84 POS. we just happen to speak the same language....

LB said...

This is too funny!! I will keep my fingers crossed you don't get the swine flu! Ha, ha! I hope you made it to Brazil safely.

Unknown said...

I'm glad Theresa sent me the link and told me you were writing again! Love it! Your bro could not possibly think he could persuade you to come to Cincinnati over Brazil... he was jerking your chain which is what he loves to do to me whenever he can (like yesterday). Let the adventure begin! You'll never get this time back, so use it well.

Omena Gang said...

Yes. I love to jerk chain. Especially democrat chain. Keep up the good writing, I will still make you those nachos when you get back...and if you are still craving the food after you get back to the good ole USA, I'll treat you to Chipotle -it will be like you never even left the Amazon!

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